Complacency – the word is even heard to spell, thinking about it I have to sound every part of the word out as I type it….Com…pla…cency…..yeah got it. It even sounds complex, sometimes thinking about it makes my head hurt….from trying to keep the thoughts from scattering and moving them into action. After all com…pla…cency is a word lacking in action! I am much better at it now, now that I no longer use drugs (this includes alchol). I have been told by many wiser than me to change everything about myself….and I mean leave no stone unturned or unchanged. Complacency….well as an action I no or put myself in danger, and I am changing everything and anything about me so I will keep focused on the good and continue making progress. Some days are better than others, some days I really have to work at it….others seem to run seamlesly as I find myself functioning in an unaccoustomed manner like a smooth running machine!…however on those other days it is more like a rusty overused machine. Complacency, it means to me, losing site of my grattitude….its no longer as sharp, as focused in my mind as it needs to be. Like perhaps I have not been adding to my daily gratitude list, or maybe I am not stopping to thank others for my success. I know, I know, confusing some days it feels like every neureon is firing in the exact way that nature intended….then there’s times where I know my transmitters are not working, you know them good things that carry the dopamine through your body. I can tell, my thoughts are slower a little darker (manic depressive you bet)….and then they take off racing to the finishing line, off I go OUT of bed and around the house full of energy. Sometimes, there are more good days than bad days or vice versea….I have learned it’s all about attitude. You see in my complacency stage, (meaning I was in bed and not feeling good) that I realized its all a matter of attitude, a matter of how I chose to see things. It was in this flashbulb moment that I realized it could be a really rusty day, and I could use my complacency to change it to a good day for my well oiled machine. My attitude is my grattitude!
That’s why I wonder about the word com…pla..cency in recovery, I looked up the definition, I became even more confused. Meriam Webster said self love is a synonym, that can’t be because while taking my journey through recovery I am learning to love myself with confidence….not pompposness. Complacency indicates to me lack of an action applied to a problem. So is working less when your forced to bed being complacent or is working more on my recovery steps, stepping into my character defect of being obbessive? Or is the saying true….if your not working your program your slipping towards relapse??? I know, I know I am starting to sound really confused, thats because I think and feel now, on my own without the use of drugs again to me this includes alcohol) and I did this for thirty years. How long do you think it will take me to get back to normal…well you know undo what I did in the past in my mind and body? Sponsors are a big help but its kind of hard to tell someone something your not sure of how your going to feel about it, till you think about it….right???? Or am I simply making an excuse?
Gosh these racing thoughts and mood swings drives me nuts, so much worse yet is the flat affect I get when I take all my meds EXACTLY the way I should and not through them away(some days that thought is very appealing. Yeah before I couldn’t get enough pills now the doctor can’t prescribe enough and none of them are narcotic. Very important difference there….I have learned to handle pain without the use of narcotics!!! It feels like my whole world is an opposite, I mean in 31 months I have changed everything about me, everything, everyperson, everyplace….you get the picture.
Anyways, I called my sponsor, AGAIN, and do you know what she said to me, I mean I cannot believe this….she asked me if I remembered to “slow down, take a deep breath and breathe!!!!! ” Are you serious!!!!! of course i did not remember this. Complacency….not taking action….I am taking way to much, I am worrying way to much, and yes she was serious….breathe. Okay I got it know…the whole point…I was not staying in the present!
Yep two and a half years into recovery, and I can’t remember to breathe.
Patricia Ann Fennessey Hole
Thoughts of love, light & laughter sent to you.~Patricia~ https://t.co/3Sri59mMrr